Boy Beyond the Blinds (7/6/12)

To what lies beyond my window, I greet you, though I will never see your face. Blinds pulled down and closed; only if I look to the highest point do I see beyond the glass, to stare up to the black sky, the violent flash of a passing airplane to be the only movement. Egg shell blue in horizontal lines to be my barrier and my prison window bars. Dare I untwist the blinds and find out the apparition I wish to greet? Of course not! Conscious and reality strike me down; saying to me, “only an idiot would believe that anything could sit in wait outside your window, high up off the ground.” Malicious-baring voices ringing in my head, self-righteous and cruel. But in my mind’s eye I see his face, beauty-stricken and waning. Wishful thinking, perhaps, but in all honestly I wish it be true.

In my prison here, sent away from the comforts of home, to be confined in a room, segregated from the outer world. Three meters by five! Is that what I deserve to be afforded? To spend night and daylight here? My only chance to breathe be to learn, an ‘opportunity’ so graciously given to us, yet so easily disliked, even hated.

Oh, boy beyond the blinds, take me away from such a God forsaken place that I have learned to dread. Steal me away, so that my body may become translucent like yours. Books and papers have piled up in front of me, with words I pain to understand. They bleed into my mind; make me speak and make me think like them! My brain is flooded with nonsense and I can never comprehend what it is that I am to do.

I move through life, day to day, being and only ever being, nothing more. I understand things said to me, but they get lost within the chaos that is my mind. My tongue speaks words that I pretend to know and my hand copies those who have come before me. I am anything but myself and still I am applauded.

Little whisper from between the seams of my mind; my imagination seeps through to the conscious. I try to listen to that familiar voice over the loud and sullen voices of reality. It speaks to me comforting words I crave to hear, words of gentle distraction and mystical in nature.

I must open the blinds! I must find that boy beyond the blinds that might save me from my unbearable fate of catastrophe. I tear open the eggshell blue horizontal bars in a flurry of excitement; ever hoping those voices are wrong!

Blackness – endless blackness of night, a darkness that exclaims to me that time is still passing. I otherwise see my reflection. The reflection of a sad girl with books piled on her desk and a guilty mind.

I close the curtains, sit back down, and turn towards my books. Free of curiosity, my mind is further caged and my heart aches nostalgically for things that have never happened.